We are not the same you or I. We had forever changed on that fateful night 16 years ago on my sister’s birthday. I would say at one point before then, I had even thought I loved you. I cannot say the same for you, because I don’t think you were ever capable of love. Then again considering the examples you had, it now comes as no surprise.
For you, the course of the evening did little in the way of long-lasting effects. For me however, it was after the violence you visited upon my person that I started have migraines and other health issues. You seemed to go about your life as you always had. Expecting things from everyone else and when you didn’t get your way, you made sure that everyone else knew it and was miserable. There was a point in my life after you were gone that I pitied you. I began to look at you as a sad monster. For that is what you were to me. A monster. More than that. Words cannot due justice to the hurt and betrayal that I felt that night. To say that I am over it would be a fallacy. It is not something someone can just get over. As I sit on the other side of the 16 years that transpired since then I realize that on the surface, it affected me a good deal more than it did you. But this is simply not true, for I realize that I will only be dealing with this painful experience for a short time. (Even if it is the rest of my life.) Whereas you will have to answer for it not only to the authorities in this world. (Which you got off with a slap on the wrist due to my sympathetic weakness at the time.) However, you will have to answer to the authority in the next life. I suppose you will not get off so easy and the final judgement will be harsh.
I am not angry. At one point I would have felt sorry for you, but the truth is I don’t feel anything in regards to you. However, I do find myself thinking back to your crimes every October 27th. In some ways I have progressed so much since then. In others, I still look back and it seems like yesterday and I will mistakenly become that weak willed soul that allowed you to react with such violence and abuse. Sometimes it will flood back into my consciousness in a deluge of memory and pain. Other times I see it as a fleeting dream, questioning if it really did happen.
The
following is an excerpt from my book entitled “Stuff in my Attic”.
It was October 27th, 2004. I had been
working 2 jobs to make ends meet while my ex-wife was pregnant with our first
child. It just so happened it was my sister’s birthday
and I had the day off from both jobs. During the week when I was tired, and my ex would always make me
sleep on the couch.
Since I had the day off from both jobs, I thought it would
be nice to call my sister since I had not talked to her in quite some time and
it was her birthday after all.
My ex-wife had planned to roast some pumpkin seeds from the
pumpkin she turned into a Jack-O-lantern without me the day prior. I told her that I wanted to call my family,
and she grabbed the phone from my hand forcefully. The way I saw
it, I worked over 80 hours a week and only got 4 hours at most of sleep a night
and on my day off she was going to tell me who I could and could not talk
to? No!
I was angry. We started arguing and next thing I know I
angrily flung the tray holding the roasted seeds across the kitchen. That is when she made a decision that haunts
me to this day, she beat me with a 4 foot long iron pipe that had a corrugated
plastic sleeve. I ran to the corner and huddled into a fetal
position as she continued to beat me with her makeshift weapon. After she paused, I ran past her, locked
myself in the bathroom, got dressed and walked out. She had said
that if I leave don’t ever bother coming back. As she
proceeded to throw my things down the stairs at me. I ended up
walking a full 8 miles to the hospital and reported what had happened. We reconciled for a short time, then just
about a month later, I left. I could not take it anymore. I left my wedding ring on the table with my
keys to the apartment. No note or anything. We were separated for about 6 years. In early 2010, we moved back
in together and there were many times that she was emotionally and financially
abusive.
She only got physically abusive a few more times in our
relationship after we reconciled that year. Eventually she (thankfully) filed for divorce. (But that is another story for another time.)
So there you have it there is more to the story as you may know. However, I look back and realize, I have come a long way, but sadly (or not so sadly) she probably hasn’t. She is probably still the angry, bitter selfish woman she always had been. It was a pity that I did not see it until it was too late.
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